Disdain For Fat

"You f**kin fat b*tch!" Did this troll looking, oversize hobbit really just say that to me!

I was super excited to be going to D.C. for President Obama's inauguration. Although I really wanted to drive my own car to D.C. as it's a straight ride which I've done before, many wisely advised me not to do so as there were going to be ample street closings, traffic, and no place to park.  As I was traveling solo, I have to admit I felt apprehensive driving down there with all those obstacles. So, I opted for Greyhound.

When trying to decide what to wear to stay warm while being outside for hours in the cold, I thought about wearing a long bulky coat that was sure to keep me warm. However, I knew that I was not going to keep my coat on while on the bus, and as it's a light colored coat I didn't want to run the risk of getting a stain on it from placing it in the storage space on the bus. Was I thinking I was going to be too warm while sitting on the bus, yes. But, there was another factor I took into consideration. As a big woman, I didn't want to add to my own beautiful padding (fat) with a bulky coat and thereby make any potential fellow passenger seated next to me uncomfortable. Often times when I'm sitting in a theater chair, airplane seat, or coach bus seat (which all seem designed for folks under a buck fifty and very small derrières), I try hard not to lean into the person seated next to me. I'm usually tensely uncomfortable because I've got my arms crossed, legs pressed together, etc. I try all I can do to morph into 150 lb. woman, of course to no avail! The point is I try hard not to give the other passenger a reason to feel exasperated at a big person such as myself.

Upon boarding the bus destined for D.C. I immediately started scoping for an empty seat like a hawk on the prowl. The first empty seat I spotted was next to a huge burly man, won't work, we'll be fighting for air space. The next empty spot was next to an average size gentleman. I immediately assessed the situation and thought this could work, especially with my morphing technique. I took the less bulky coat I decided to wear, placed it in the storage space above and sat. Since I was sitting in the aisle seat I shifted most of my weight in that direction and got ready to enjoy the ride. The hobbit that was sitting next to me had his leg in my space and during the ride kept shifting his body like a fidgety child and stepped on my foot several times without apologizing.  I kept thinking something was wrong with this man/hobbit. I grumbled to myself to give him a hint that I was annoyed, and that's all I did. A few minutes later he says to me,

"...can you keep your arms on your side"? I was in shock that this man actually just uttered those words.

As I have been trying to get in touch with my inner- Christian, and not use foul words, I calmly responded to him,

"Sir you have been been elbowing me since the moment I sat, you also  have your leg in my foot space. I have not complained to YOU about it."

"Well you should have said something. You are so big that you are in my space", says the hobbit

This ladies and gentleman is a blatant lie. A lie based on him imagining I'd be in his space due to his  prejudice.

"You are making this up and you are being rude and belligerent", I say.

And that is when the hobbit decided to hurl cuss words at me. I'm not sure why I just turned away from him, and allowed my tears to flow. I just couldn't stop. It's been a long time since anyone have gotten away with insults hurled at me without me giving them a verbal lynching. Perhaps I felt shame. Perhaps, I really was in his space. I was  too much in shock to act. Later on when talking to a friend, I will realize I should have complained to the bus driver. However, I have to admit, as many other passengers heard the dispute, I didn't want to make a spectacle of myself anymore than necessary.

Weighing In

There are so many individuals out there that have something to say, they have a story to tell. One must feel like their story is worth telling if they decide to share aspects of their lives or to voice their opinions or beliefs publicly.

I use facebook a lot for my forum and my venting. It confuses me when some get utterly offensive over MY opinions. However, this is what you set yourself up for when you put certain things out there, right? So if one decides to pursue this route of expressing themselves, it is quite obvious they better develop a thick skin. Now you would think a big girl (weight wise) such as myself would have said thick skin, as I'm thick in general. LOL. However, in actuality I'm very sensitive.

I talk about my weight A LOT! It annoys the mess out my cousin Lucie, who is my closest ally in this world. She says it makes others uncomfortable. For example, I'll put myself down by saying things like "I'm so fat, I'm a big girl" etc. during conversations. It's obviously a very sensitive issue with me. It bothers me that I'm so dissatisfied with my weight, yet I continue to fail at losing it. It weights down on me (no pun intended) like a bowling ball on my chest. I do desire to lose weight. I want to be healthy and I want to look good in my clothes. I learned from a very early age that this world is unforgiving to big folks.

Weight detracts from so much. When one is overweight it takes away from your beauty and your confidence. Okay, perhaps I shouldn't make a general statement like that. MY weight, makes me feel less confident and makes me feel less beautiful. I'll never forget when I was in JHS, the boys in the class decided to devise a list of girls they thought were pretty. On the list was a girl who simply was not that attractive, I swear to you I was much better looking than her, but you know what, she was skinny and I was not. That was the bottom line, it boiled down to weight.